Yoda -- Out of the Closet
by rick    May 28, 2002

This isn't an story about the short, green Jedi master's blossoming homosexuality, although in any such discussion I'd be forced to mention that Yoda is voiced by Frank Oz, director of In & Out and also the voice behind Sesame's Street's Bert, who has been living with his "friend" Ernie for almost 25 years now. It's widely whispered, that that Ernie's missing rubber ducky was found only with the help of an emergency room doctor and surgical tools, but the thought of puppets engaging in that kind of sexual tomfoolery both terrifies and excites me, so I'll choose not to believe it. Yoda, however is far too dirty and poorly dressed to be gay and I have a hunch that it does more than his heart good to know that Amidala is in Courascant, if you know what I mean, so we can finally put those "Yoda/Mace Windu love story" internet rumors to rest. It's not happening, people! (Yoda: "Big are you in the ways of the... force, Mace." Mace: "This party's just gettin' started!") The only light saber Yoda will be whipping out any time soon is the one he uses to give evil Count Dookie a much-deserved beating.

But I digress...

This is about a love story of a different kind- a boy and his full-scale cardboard cut-out of Yoda. You see this character was his favorite since he was a kid. He was Yoda for Halloween, had a Yoda-shaped birthday cake for his eighth birthday and was a longtime president of the Yoda club, a second grade "Dead Poet's Society"-like club where like-minded geeks would meet in dark corners during recess and mimic Yoda's speech and his gait. He even convinced his P.E. teacher to allow the class to compete in a Yoda relay race, where all competitors would run-squat across the cafeteria, which, of course, I won --

Oops, did I say me? I meant he. He won.

So it wasn't much of a surprise, that as a gift during one of those drunken college birthday parties, one of my friends got me a full-sized cardboard cut-out of Yoda that I placed proudly in my room next to my bed. After a few scary mornings waking up next to that homely green face, I finally got used to it.

You see, Yoda was funny. He would tell jokes at parties when I got drunk, wowing the crowd with dead-on impressions of himself. During any prolonged make-out session, I would turn Yoda around, because I understand it can be a little creepy to feel "like we're being watched," as Luke put it, by the wisest Jedi in the universe. I recall it as a charming moment, but that may be selective memory. It was probably tantamount to tattooing "lame-ass geek" on my forehead.

"Why doesn't she call me? Hmmm. Funny, it is."

But things change, after a few months of spending time in the room with my new wife and I, my bride got to thinking...

"Honey, I don't think Yoda looks good there."

"Really? Where would he look better?"

"How about in the closet?"

"But no one would see him in the... oh."

You lose the little battles to win the big ones, I told myself. And she did have a point, that between our, newer, more "adult" furnishings, Yoda was starting to look a little out of place. So off he went to start his exile on a distant, smelly planet also known as my closet, buried somewhere between old baseball cards and my wife's musical scores.

And I realized, while watching Episode II, that part of the disappointment with the new films has to do with the fact that nothing will be as magical to me as the originals were to me as a kid. Episode II was good -- I enjoyed the midnight showing, being part of the atmosphere -- but I was thinking about two thirds through that it could never be the same, it could never match my expectations, even if the acting and dialogue were a bit better.

But I go, and I'll go to the next one for moments like Episode II's climax, where my old hero whips out his light saber and busts ass just like he always did when we would play with the old Star Wars action figures. It was almost Lucas was doing the same thing when he was writing the script.

"And here comes Yoda around the corner... and Dooku is all like... 'I'm not afraid of you,' and then Yoda is all..." It's just a theory.

And I'm so proud of him, I've decided it's time to drag his tired, old ass out of the closet and put him back in his room where he rightfully belongs.

Did I mention that my wife is leaving town for a few months?